“It took you far too long to get here. Looking at you, I fear the goddess is mistaken in her choice of agents. If this failure is any indication, you have no hope of defending Her Grace from those who seek to assail her. Do my words anger you, boy? Do my words sting? Let them. If I had not come when I did, your Zelda would have already fallen into the hands of the enemy. The truth of it is you were late. You were late, and you failed to protect her. I sent Zelda ahead to learn more of the fate in which she is destined to play a part. Listen well, chosen one. If you wish to be of help to Her Grace, you must summon a shred of courage and face the trials laid out before you. Only when you’ve conquered the trials will you be of use to Zelda. No sooner. Am I understood?”
That’s what Impa says to Link in the Earth Temple. In game, Link’s response is to glance at the portal sadly, scrunch his eyebrows determinedly, and move on with his mission. I’m not at all satisfied with that. I understand that a lot of people like Impa, but she never lived this speech down in my opinion. So here’s what Link COULD have said to that before Impa left.
Link: What? Do you have any idea what this past week has been like for me? Do you? The answers is no. No, you don’t! Choice of agents?! I came of my own free will! And SHRED OF COURAGE?! I WAS LATE!?! I’m sorry, not ALL of us have a freaking TELEPORATION DEVICE to get around! I don’t have a nice golden, shiny light beam. Do you know what I have? *pulls out sword* I have THIS and legs. That’s what I’ve got! And you know, since APPARNTLY this whole plan has been in order since before I was born, let’s really talk about this right now. You, the headmaster, and apparently Zelda have all known about this forever, and not once did any of you think ‘Hey, maybe we should let Link—our CHOSEN HERO—in the loop. Maybe he’d like to know that we’ve planned out his whole life for him.’ No instead you all decided to play the keep-Link-in-the-dark game! You also evidently decided that invading my dreams with your freak-azoid digital girl was ok, WITHOUT ASKING ME! And then you have me scramble all over the sky chasing this lady, which leads me to a secret room, where I have this whole ‘chosen hero’ RUBBISH thrown on me and I pick up this sword. By the way, the goddess couldn’t even have thought to make this thing a LITTLE longer than this? I’ve had practice swords that are better! I’m told to jump to my probable doom below a barrier we’ve always feared in order to get to a land I didn’t believe in. So, I naturally trust this wacko lady, who for all I know is a HALLUCINATION, above everything I’ve ever known, just to hopefully be reunited with a girl I have no real connection too. And what d’ya know, this place exists! And as it turns out, I’m not just saving Zelda. No, I’ve got to save the WHOLE WORLD from a giant, purple pickle with giant jelly toes and teeth. I race over here as fast as I possibly can, and get stopped by these MARSHMALLOW creatures who coerce me into helping them find each other. So now I’m like this international good guy. I continue on, only to get held up by an INSANE DEMON LORD! Seriously, I will never look at a tongue the same way again. I fight that guy and almost die, then CONTIUE ON to this hell on earth lava death trap, where I run into that same tongue guy who then conjures a giant lava monster to kill me. I DEFEAT IT and come rushing in here. And look now! I APPARNTLY am ‘too late’ to even talk to this girl I’ve defied death countless times for, and am now being told by some random creep that I was TOO LATE! TOO LATE?! You know, I do have to sleep. And I still have to earn money to pay for all the HEART POTION I’ve had to buy lately. Seriously, she’s the headmaster’s daughter, and I don’t even get monetary support?! So, lady, you may want to consider taking back that comment about a SHRED OF COURAGE! And what are these trials supposed to be? I have done more than any SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD should EVER have to do in his LIFE, and it’s still not good enough for you?! So, in the end lady, you have NO argument and NO right. What, I’m not good enough? Well, exuuuuse me! So tell me, what do you have to say for yourself now, oh perfect servant who, by the way, ALSO failed in keeping Zelda from imprisonment! What do you have to say now?!? HUH?!?!?
Impa: I must go now.
So that’s how I kinda think this scene should have gone. No offense to Impa-lovers, but I’m sure we can all agree that she was a little less than kind in this scene. I’ll be coming back to this topic later I think, to see Zelda and Impa’s side of the story. Till then, I hope you enjoyed my rant!And I really hope I didn’t offend anybody, because that wasn’t my intention. I wrote this mainly to be silly, and I hope y’all understand that. Thanks again for reading!